a view back to when...

photograph of Mills College Office in the 1880’s

for the benefit of charity

she said relax

let my mind wander a bit

could I smell the gardenia

in the hallway

in a vase

on the little table

on the way in

see if I could close my eyes

and petal fall into the reaches of water

I don’t quite understand her

but I go along anyway

my mind sometimes, is a lost cause

pursuant for original thought

a species gone extinct a long time ago

right around when we fully industrialized

this world and populations exploded

like red algae blooms in warm shallow seas 

I ask her

why do repeating integers numb me

into counted piles of off color aphorisms

and poetic clever ruination

disguised as my severed limbs

thank god for baths, she said

you forgot how to relax

you forgot how to think

just feel yourself crawling while floating

with your fingers full of clench and glass

porcelain watching how little emotion

you have left, everyone will be ready 

to pull the plug

I remember, little pieces of something trailing

from those still ambling on the street

as my taxi pulled up to her place

it was as if I could see their lives

in vapor exhales, slow jets and mechanical toys

as if they were constantly wanting 

someone to play with their articulations

I tell her I could draw a picture 

of when I used to be them

when I thought of myself as worthy

of burning down the museums

I wonder if she knows

if she sees, I keep my emotions

locked behind glass now

I tell her I am afraid

of what success means

she said she already knew that

I tell her every scent

seems to knows my name

wants only to tame the spine

into cut thirsty stems

they solicit me

see if I could showcase

my wild parts by holding tight

to the loosening hinges

for a bit longer

why am I here, I ask her

she says because even if I

could count every star

and all that knowledge contains

my silence is a finite cause

she says, I seek

the infinities inside

our pocketed secrets

and whether I am

wealthy or poor

I would always want

to give everything away

and whether I am

alive or dead

that is who I am

EJR ©